You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
