We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I had to cum in my sink.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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