6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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