I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
