I am midnight drunk by noon
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
