Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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