I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
