I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
