I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Can you repeat that, but with context?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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