That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
