I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
