Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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