i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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