make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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