my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
and she was petting her beer can
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
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