You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
How's work?
Spinning.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
i think my cat just said my name.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
