i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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