Kiss
Puke
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
