sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
