We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
