Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
