Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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