my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
