Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
