nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
