I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
