Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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