i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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