She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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