the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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