another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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