I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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