3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
