i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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