The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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