I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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