you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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