Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
