So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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