I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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