respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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