I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
