so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
