checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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