i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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