If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
