I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
