oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
BRING THE BAGELS
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
