the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
