I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
where does the pee come out of this thing
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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