I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
